Growth- By Gail

This blog post was authored by my long-time college friend, Gail. She is such a loyal and kind friend with a deep love for others - enjoy!

Recently, I found myself in a conversation about growth and maturity. Why are some people so much more mature than others? How are people mature enough to get married at 19? How do you even grow in your maturity in the first place? There is some truth to the idea that some people mature faster than others, and research has shown that girls typically mature at a faster rate than guys. But how do our experiences shape us, force us to grow, and lead us towards greater maturity?

I haven’t had many struggles in my life. I would consider my childhood to be as good as it gets; I had a loving and financially secure family, lived in a safe neighborhood with lots of kids, attended school in one of the best districts in the state, and had a supportive church family. I never had to worry about where my next meal would come from, racism confronting my family, or affording college. I was and am privileged, and this is something that I try to remind myself of daily.

I began to struggle in high school, where I experienced a profound feeling of loneliness. I had never struggled to make friends in school; I was always lucky enough to find people who accepted me for who I was and lifted me up. But in my sophomore year of high school, things began to change. Out of nowhere, it seemed, one of my best friends completely changed. We never had a dramatic falling-out or fight, we just took completely different paths. She started drinking, going to parties, smoking, and making decisions that she knew I would never support. We went from spending time every day together to rarely seeing each other, much less having conversations. I couldn’t understand how one of my best friends changed in the blink of an eye, and I never really found out. The friendship was gone. Other friends cycled in and out of my life, and I felt lost. I was miserable at school, and choked back tears in the bathroom more times than I would like to admit.

While all of this was happening, someone else made their way into my life. He was from church, where I felt I most belonged. We started out as friends, but eventually we started dating. It’s still hard for me to believe I dated someone at 15, but there I was. We didn’t have a typical high school relationship; it was based upon something real and meaningful, and I’m forever grateful for this. We understood each other, supported each other, and talked about Christ with one another. We laughed, cried, and talked for hours with one another. We were able to be vulnerable and real with each other, something that the majority of my high school friendships lacked. He provided me with stability and happiness, and I cannot imagine those high school years without his support. To put it simply, I was in love, and in one of the most profound and meaningful relationships I had ever experienced. He was my rock, and I confided in him deeply.

He was a year older than me, and naturally went off to college before me. I knew we could handle the long distance, and I was willing to put in the work. People often complain that relationships are a lot of work, and I don’t disagree. But when you find the right person, all of the sudden you’re willing to do a lot more than you normally would. A few weeks into long distance, he made a poor choice, and all of the sudden, our relationship seemed to be holding on by a thread. Everything I had once relied on was now in danger of being taken away from me. I drove to visit him, determined to talk it out and make it work. But in the end, he decided we should take a break. I was devastated.

Now I want to take a step back and talk about my growth in the story so far. My struggles socially and emotionally at school pushed me to develop endurance, and I learned that sacrificing my values for friends was not worth it, and would not solve my problems. I learned to take refuge in the true friendships that I did have, and am forever grateful for the support they provided me with while I was struggling. I also began to learn how to be in a romantic relationship. I learned how to communicate, how to forgive, and how to love. I learned how to deal with conflict, and developed emotional maturity. I learned all of these things through my experiences, through circumstances that I could not control. Growth in these areas of my life didn’t always come easily, and was uncomfortable at times, but overall, I felt like I was going in the right direction with my life.

What came next was a different kind of growth. It was painful, intense, and not glamorous in the slightest. I was forced to confront fear, grief, and pain. I was angry, devastated, and questioning everything. I didn’t know how to proceed with my life. I had always pushed feelings of loneliness to the side, bandaging my wounds with a romantic relationship. But now I truly felt alone. Of course, I wasn’t actually alone. God made sure of that. As I began to process the break up, talking through it with trusted friends and adults, I realized that God had been planting people in my life that would be there to help me when I needed it the most. I found the most comfort through the relationships I had at church; these fellow followers of Christ lifted me up, gave me advice, and encouraged me in my walk with God.

We grow into who God wants us to be when we choose his way. When I lost my two year romantic relationship, I struggled to pursue God’s way of healing. There were so many distractions from the pain, but they were only temporary. I realized I had to choose God’s way or else things weren’t going to get any better. It was a choice I had to make daily, and it wasn’t always the easiest option. His way involved immersing myself in his word, maintaining my meaningful friendships, worshipping him through music, and making the conscious choice to pursue healing through Him. Right after the break up, I began to journal, writing down my thoughts, putting my pain into words, and talking to God. A devotional that I read early on said this: “Make a commitment each day to pursue God’s way of healing, which reaches the depth of your soul and replaces the pain with peace.” I knew that if I didn’t allow God to work within me, then I would never truly heal from the hurt of the past. The alternative to God’s healing was chasing idols that would only lead to temporary relief. The alternative to God’s healing was life spent dwelling on the pain. Ultimately, the alternative to God’s healing was not healing at all.

Choosing his way, whether it be his way of healing, his way of forgiving, or his way of loving, leads to immense spiritual growth, and peace beyond comprehension. The struggles I faced ultimately brought me closer to God, as he showed me how to choose him and his way.

To anyone who is struggling, whether it be with grief, loneliness, or feelings of worthlessness, you are not alone. God is with you always, and he has planted people in your life who care about you. He loves you so much more than you could ever imagine, no matter how many times you fall astray, mess up, fail, or run away. He is waiting for you to turn to him.